How To Annoy Rose Weasley
by brahdley jims
Summary: <html><head></head>The Weasley-Potter clan, minus Rose, has forgotten to buy all the adults Christmas presents. So what do they come up with? A book of 75 ways to annoy Rose Weasley, of course!</html>
1. Chapter 1

**AN: **This was written for the 'How To Annoy' challenge at HPFC, by edgy satsuma. I got Rose Weasley. This was so fun to write ;)

This will be a **three-shot.** This is just the intro.

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><p>"Hey, Scorp, do you know where Rose is?"<p>

Scorpius glanced up from the parchment he was hunched over and glanced over at his best friend Albus. The two were currently in Al's bedroom at the Potter household, trying to get a headstart on the mountain of Christmas holiday homework they'd been given. Not that they'd been willing – it had, of course, been Rose's idea to 'get it all out of the way now and not have to worry about it later'. The boys still didn't know how she could sound so excited about it. Fifth year really was cruel.

"Nah, I didn't even see her leave the room," the blonde fifteen-year-old replied, going back to his homework.

"Oh." A few moments passed in silence, and then Al said, "So why are we still doing homework?"

Scorpius frowned. He looked at his parchment, which had three words (the title) written on it. He looked then up at his best friend, and then at his parchment again. "I've no idea, let's go."

The pair stood up and crossed the room to the door. They were nearly bowled over, however, when Lucy, Lily and Roxanne barged into the room.

"Wha – what are you three doing in here? Why are you even in our house?" Albus asked, gaping at his three cousins.

"Lily invited us," Lucy frowned. "Duh."

"This is my room!" Al protested. "Has your room blown up or something, Lily?"

"No, we need to discuss something with you," Lily said seriously, sitting herself down on the bed. Lucy and Roxanne plopped down next to her. The youngest Potter cast Scorpius a withering glance. "You can stay too, if you must."

Al and Scorpius stared at them.

"What? You look like gaping goldfish," Roxanne informed them cheerfully.

"Wha – what are you – get out of my room, Lily! And you too, tiny people!" Al demanded.

"I'm the same age as you!" Roxanne squealed in protest.

"Yeah, but you're smaller than me," Al pointed out, to which Roxanne only scowled.

Lily rolled her eyes. "We need to talk about Christmas presents."

The boys looked at each other blankly. "Christmas presents?"

Lucy smiled at them and explained, very kindly, "Yes, it's very common for people to give each other gifts on the twenty-fifth of December, as part of a kind of celebration, and we know these as –"

"I know what Christmas presents are!" Al huffed, glaring at the girl who beamed at him.

"Oh, that's a shame, I didn't buy you one and now you're going to be all hurt about it," Lily sighed, as if was the least pressing matter in her life right now.

"You'd better have got me a Christmas present, Lils –"

"Of course I have!" the redhead snapped, bored now. Al shifted uncomfortably – making a mental note to buy Lily her present as soon as possible.

"Al, we don't know what to get our parents, uncles, aunts, Grandma or Grandad for Christmas," Roxanne said. "And Christmas is in two days' time, and we've bought them nothing."

"That's funny… because I haven't either," Al admitted.

The three girls' faces brightened. "Great! You can help us."

"Wha – no! I'm not spending any time with my little sister and my girl cousins!"

"Rose is your girl cousin," Lucy pointed out.

"She's different," Al said gruffly.

It was then that James and Fred stuck their heads round the door to Al's bedroom. "Having a mothers' meeting in here, are we?"

Al glared at his brother. "No. We've all forgotten to buy the adults Christmas presents."

"So have we!" Fred grinned happily.

"Er… why is that a good thing?" Scorpius asked.

"It's not," Fred shrugged, still grinning. "But we don't need to panic until a couple of hours before everyone gets up on Christmas morning, do we?"

Al, Scorpius, Lily, Lucy and Roxanne stared at him.

"So what's the plan?" James asked, planting himself on Lily, squashing her. She let out a noise like a strangled cat.

"What plan? Why are we using my room as a meeting place?" Al groaned.

"What meeting?" Dominique and Molly appeared in Al's bedroom now.

"Why are you all here? Where did you all come from?" Al asked incredulously, wondering why all his cousins were suddenly round at his house.

"Well, dear brother of mine," James began, grinning.

"When a man and a woman love each other very much –" Fred continued.

"I didn't mean that!" Al cried, screwing up his face in disgust at the thought of his parents… he shook his head violently, James and Fred guffawing in the background. "Why are you two in my room, then?" He pointed to Dominique and Molly.

"We were looking for Lucy," Dominique said. "Aunt Audrey sent us looking for her."

"Well, she's here if you want her –"

"No!" Lucy shrieked, scrambling behind James as he happened to be the tallest person in the room, even sitting down on his sister. "Hide me! Don't let her find me!"

"Er – why?" Fred asked.

"She's going to kill me! She wants to come near my neck with scissors!" Lucy's eyes were wide with terror.

Roxanne snorted. "Ellen Rosoff at school's older sister is getting married, and she wants Lucy to be a bridesmaid. You know, because Lucy and Ellen are really close, and Ellen's sister adores Lucy."

"Why?" James stage-whispered, earning a punch in the back from the girl cowering behind him.

"But Lucy kind of ruined the dress by accidentally spilling coffee on it… and then purple hair dye. Aunt Audrey doesn't know yet," Roxanne finished, grinning.

"The scissors?"

"Aunt Audrey wants to give her a haircut as well," Lily said. "Lucy reckons she's going to take the chance to kill her while she has scissors near her neck."

"Ah. Don't worry, Luce, we'll hide you," James assured her. "Can I see the dress?"

Lucy wailed.

"Moving on swiftly," Dominique laughed. "Why are we all here?"

"We forgot to buy the adults Christmas presents," Al said. "Let me guess, you two did as well?"

"I didn't," Molly said indignantly.

"Well, of course you didn't, Molls," Dominique said, rolling her eyes. "Hey, I don't think Louis remembered either."

"Who said my name?" Louis and Hugo appeared in the doorway.

"I can't breathe!" Al said loudly. "My room's too crowded!"

Everyone ignored him. "Were you talking about me?" Louis asked. "We forgot to buy presents too." He gestured between himself and Hugo.

Fred coughed, but Scorpius swore he heard, "Eavesdroppers!"

"We were looking for Rose," Hugo said. "Mum wants her."

"Rose has mysteriously disappeared," Al said. "I bet she remembered presents for everyone."

"Yeah, I wonder what she got me?" Scorpius wondered briefly.

"Not the point!" Al exclaimed, staring at his best friend in disbelief.

"Though it's probably not a sexy Santa outfit for her to show off to you in private," James snorted.

"Oh my God, James, you're sick," Lily announced, while everybody else looked quite disturbed, especially Al and Hugo. Scorpius blushed.

"I know,' James said proudly. "But seriously, ferret boy, if you go near my cousin –"

"I won't last longer than Hippogriff dung," Scorpius recited from memory. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere near Rose. I swear."

"Hello? Anyone home?"

"We're in here, Vic!" Dominique called down the hallway.

Victoire was in the room in a heartbeat. "Has anyone seen Teddy?"

There was a chorus of "No"s, "Nope"s, and "Maybe he camouflaged against a tree outside"s.

"Has anyone seen Rose?" Hugo asked again.

"Has anyone seen Lucy?" James joked, prodding the girl still hiding behind him.

"Rose has just gone off with Aunt Hermione," Victoire said. "Just saw them. They were going to Diagon Alley, I think."

"Didn't tell us, did she?" Al scowled.

"As for Teddy, I think he's hiding from you," Roxanne told her. "You've been going mental with the wedding preparations."

There was an odd sort of squeal noise from behind James. Lucy had obviously just realised she was going to be a bridesmaid twice, and not really taken the idea.

"Mental? I haven't been going mental!" Victoire's hair wasn't brushed properly and her eyes were too wide for her face. She looked far too awake and frantic. Nobody met her eyes.

"Fancy helping us, Vic?" Dominique asked.

"With what?" Victoire questioned suspiciously.

"Christmas presents," Fred said. "We've bought none?"

"What, you mean, for nobody?"

"For the adults."

"You can't be serious," Victoire laughed, just to see if they were joking around.

"Are you?" Louis quirked an eyebrow.

"I – I've been busy," Victoire said gruffly. The occupants of the room snorted.

"So you're just as unorganised as us," Lily said. "What are we going to get everyone?"

"We should all pitch in," Al said, and everyone agreed.

"And I'll help," Molly said. "Let's face it, you need my help."

"We could all do a painting of the whole Weasley-Potter-Lupin clan!" Lily piped up enthusiastically.

Silence.

"No, Lily, just no," Fred said awkwardly.

"We could buy them all a book…" Molly trailed off, realising her idea wouldn't be popular.

"You would say that, Molly," Fred rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I like the idea of book," Roxanne said. The majority of the room stared at her. "A book that we write." Fred was now looking at his sister as if she were an alien. "A funny book, I mean. About… somebody from this family?"

And then it came to James. "How To Annoy Rose Weasley!" he announced.

"A book about how to annoy Rose?" Victoire repeated.

James nodded enthusiastically. "Rose is the only one of us not here, it's the perfect chance! And Fred and I have had enough experience with annoying her. It could be a book of tested, and successful, ways to annoy our dear Rosie."

"I like it," Lily smiled. A couple of people still looked confused and unimpressed, but most of the room was nodding.

Victoire summoned some parchment and a quill. "I'll write it all down, I have the neatest handwriting." The boys rolled their eyes.

"So. First idea?" Molly asked, as Victoire put her quill to the parchment.

James grinned as ideas and memories filled his head, and Victoire began to write.

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><p>please <strong><span>review<span>** :)


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: **The second part of this three-shot. The actual ways to annoy Rose Weasley. Enjoy :)

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><p><strong>How To Annoy Rose Weasley<strong>

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><p><em>By: Victoire Weasley, Dominique Weasley, Molly Weasley, James Potter, Fred Weasley, Albus Potter, Scorpius Malfoy, Roxanne Weasley, Lucy Weasley, Louis Weasley, Hugo Weasley and Lily Potter.<em>

_Ideas, tested and all successful, from all the authors of this book._

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><p>1) Levitate her into the boy's dorm room.<p>

2) Levitate her into Scorpius Malfoy's bed.

3) Have one of her cousins (Albus) find her there.

4) Send her fake love notes signed _S.M._

5) Send her fake love notes signed _J.S.P. _(_Note: Rose, James, Uncle Ron and Uncle Harry did not find this as funny as Dominique did, and James advises against it. _**Yeah, if you to keep your ba**_** – **__That's enough James.)_

6) Inform her the library is closed for an indefinite period of time.

7) Hide spiders in/near her food.

8) Hide spiders in/under her bed.

9) Hide spiders anywhere within a five mile radius of Rose.

10) Tell her that her gingerbread men look like victims of a Wronski Feint gone wrong.

11) Tell her that if you tilt your head just so, she looks like disfigured mongoose. With a wonky nose.

12) Keep going on about her supposed wonky nose.

13) Insist that she's 'just another ginger nut in a family of nutty gingers'.

14) Or 'just another sunburnt red squirrel in a collection of squirrelly red sunburns.' _(Note: Dominique, Molly, Fred and Lily also took offense to this as well as Rose. _**So, kill five birds with one stone**_**!**__ Shut up, James.)_

15) Ask her if she likes Scorpius Malfoy because blondes have more fun than redheads.

16) Ask her what kinds of fun blondes have.

17) Ask her if she has fun playing Monopoly.

18) Ask her if Scorpius Malfoy has fun playing Monopoly.

19) Accuse her of stealing money from the Monopoly bank when nobody is looking.

20) Ask her if redheads have less fun than blondes because redheads get sunburnt all the time.

21) Insist that the Sorting Hat made a mistake, and she should have been sorted into Slytherin.

22) Or Loonypuff.

23) Prank her in the middle of October and say, 'April Fool's!'

24) When she tells you it isn't April, tell her she must be an even bigger fool than everybody else.

25) When she and Scorpius are arguing, ask her when the wedding is.

26) If she eats a lot of biscuits in one go, tell her you understand her cravings and ask when the baby's due.

27) Ask her if she wants it to have blonde hair or red hair.

28) Tell her you hope it has blonde hair, for the baby's sake.

29) Charm her prefect's badge to say 'Poncy Sunburnt Squirrel'.

30) Ask her why she is rejecting her inner squirrel.

31) Tell her she really needs to get something to treat that sunburn.

32) Recolour her tie green and silver.

33) Recolour her tie purple and hot pink, insisting that they are the Loonypuff colours.

34) Buy her a squirrel outfit for her birthday.

35) Ask her what she has against squirrels.

36) Buy her a brown rug for her tree home.

37) Hide her homework.

38) Make it blatantly obvious you are copying off her.

39) Dye her hair blonde when she's sleeping and say, in delight, that she matches Scorpius.

40) When you're in Diagon Alley, tell her that you won't be long, but you've just got to go and help Scorpius pick out an engagement ring. _(Note: Rose took this very seriously, and so, it appeared, did Uncle Ron and Mr Malfoy.)(Second note: __**Yeah, and she wouldn't talk to me for weeks – **_**Nobody cares about you, blondie. **I'm blonde! **That's why you don't matter, Louis. **_I'm blonde! _**You're a girl, Victoire. **_And? _**Girls don't matter. **_… _James is currently unconscious and cannot comment anymore. Carry on, Vic.)

41) Follow her around everywhere. Say that you are her shadow.

42) Or her guardian angel, sworn to protect her for all eternity. _(Note: This backfired on James, when Rose casually informed him that if he was going to be her guardian angel, she was going to haunt him after she was dead. For all eternity. James was horrified by this thought and ran shrieking from the room. __Like a little girl!_ **Shut up, Lily. **_Oh, you're awake! I didn't know._ **Of course you didn't.)**

43) Send her a Valentine's Day card from Scorpius.

44) Send her a stack of Valentine's Day cards from Scorpius that spill over the table and sing when they open.

45) Follow her around wearing a T-shirt that says, 'I'm With A Squirrel!'

46) Encourage random people walking past to feed her nuts.

47) Go around collecting money for the 'Sunburnt Squirrel Charity', with a picture of her face on the collection box.

48) Tell her she's basically useless because she's the smartest student Hogwarts has, and yet she's in Gryffindor.

49) Spread rumours that she hates Ravenclaws.

50) Send her a Howler of 'Scorpius' proclaiming his love for her. _(__**Can we stop all these ones about Rose and me? **_**No, it's fun, ferret. Shut it. **I thought you were indifferent to the whole Rose and Scorpius thing, Luce? **Well, it'll be funny to see Uncle Ron's reactions to it. If he ever makes it out the house, that is.** _… __**Wait, what 'whole Rose and Scorpius thing'?)**_

51) Moan loudly about how annoying house elves are whenever she's around.

52) Borrow her Hogwarts: A History book, and don't give it back for weeks.

53) When you finally give it back, make sure you're not around when she opens it and finds all the pages have been scribbled on with crayon, and covered in pictures of squirrels, drawings worthy of a very artistic and creative three-year-old. (Note: Just look at James' most recent works of art to get an idea of the style. **… Oi! Louis! **_… James stop throwing a tantrum.)_

54) Wake up in the middle of the night screaming, "NO, DON'T EAT ME! HAVE MERCY, YOU GREAT EVIL SQUIRREL! AAAARGGGHHH!', look at Rose, smile, and say, "Oh, hello, Rose, you were in my dream. Goodnight."

55) Continue this every night for the next week.

56) Tape a sign onto her back saying, 'Kiss me, I'm ginger!'

57) Charm her prefect's badge to say, 'Ginger Nutcase'.

58) Follow her around telling her that she is crazy, you love her, but she is crazy.

59) Chaperone her everywhere and clear the crowds for her, all the while shouting at the top your voice, "SUICIDAL SQUIRREL COMING THROUGH! MAKE WAY FOR THE GINGER NUTCASE UNLESS YOU WANT TO CATCH SUNBURN!"

60) Steal her wand and replace it with a fake wand.

61) Laugh when every time she tries to cast a spell, the wand turns into a rubber chicken.

62) Buy her a T-shirt that says, 'I'm Malfoy's Gurl For Life'.

63) Be mortally offended and not speak to her for weeks when she refuses to wear it.

64) Warn her that Scorpius is on his way to propose to her.

65) Voice constant innuendoes about 'wands' and 'brooms'.

66) Ask her how big Scorpius' wand is.

67) Laugh when she goes to ask him. _(__**That is entirely personal! **_Mind out the gutter, mate. _**…!)**_

68) Tell her that Lily is more of a redhead than she'll ever be.

69) Draw up divorce papers for her and Scorpius, and state how much you'll be charging for this.

70) When she asks what you mean, laugh and say, as if it's completely obvious, "Well, we all know you're not going to last long together! You'll probably end up blowing up the house!"

71) Start a betting pool on how long it'll take for her and Scorpius to get together.

72) Ask her if ferrets are her type.

73) Call her a mini Hermione Granger.

74) Pour nuts into her cereal bowl and fill up her goblet with sun cream.

75) Walk up to her, say, "Oh, there you are, Rose! I have something really important to tell you!" and then walk away.

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><p><em>Happy Christmas!<em>

_Grandma_

_Grandad_

_Mum_

_Dad_

_Uncle Bill_

_Aunt Fleur_

_Uncle Charlie_

_Uncle Percy_

_Aunt Audrey_

_Uncle George_

_Aunt Angelina_

_Uncle Ron_

_Aunt Hermione_

_Uncle Harry_

_Aunt Ginny_

_And you too, Rose!_

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><p>please <strong><span>review<span>** :)


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